It’s my superpower. That thing I can do in a heartbeat. I feel passionately about it. And, it might just be my vocational calling too…

It’s also the anchor weighing me down, the bag of bricks tied to my ankle as I struggle to keep my head above the waterline. It’s my battery drainer and interrupter of fun things.

On the one hand, my body and my brain are constantly telling me I need to sleep. There’s this overwhelming pull to just lie down on the couch, maybe take a nap on the bed, perhaps lie down in this little patch of sunlight, just close my eyes for a moment in this comfy chair…

Sleep feels like my most natural state.

But NO! There’s this other part of me that is in fight mode. Fight to keep my eyes open. Fight to stand up when I really want to sit down. Fight to stay present in a conversation. Fight to stay awake.

Because, let’s be honest, you miss out on a lot of life if you are on the couch all day everyday with your eyes closed.

The fight part of me is really useful. It helps me live a reasonably normal life. But I’m not sure if “fight” is the state I want to be in all the time either!

So, over many years of fighting – fighting sleep to stay awake – I have grudgingly come to accept that one of the most effective things in my managing narcolepsy toolkit is the one thing I have fought hardest against.

Take a nap.

Yep, that simple.

And that hard.

This has taken me a really long time to accept.

I know, I know.

It makes perfect sense. If you are sleepy, a nap is an excellent remedy. But I have been fighting the overwhelming desire to have naps for approximately 35 years. Apparently once you double down on something, it’s not easy to to turn off.

As I write this down, I’m thinking, this really is a no brainer, Liesel! Why did you make it so hard for yourself?

But try telling this to a sleep-deprived fighter, who is determined to stay awake.